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Natural Death

yourplayersaidwhat:

For a touch of context , this is my girlfriend and I’s first rpg ever. I’m playing a necromancer and the team is fighting a big ass werewolf currently menacing an NPC ratfolk. I have two skeletons ready to flank.

Me: alright first skeleton attacks *rolls a nat 1*
DM: Ok, your skeleton attacks the werewolf with so much power, he disintegrates as soon as his bony limb makes contact.
Me: Well crap. Skeleton number 2 attacks then. *the attack hits, but only rolls a 1 for damage*
DM: The Skeleton strikes the werewolf with all his might, however, the beast doesn’t even notice. The Skeleton looks back to you expectantly.
Me: I give him a Thumbs up.

yourplayersaidwhat:

DM: As you enter the cave, you see two wolves, growling at you as they protect their two pups

Halfling Rogue: I thieve the puppies.

Dm: You thieve the puppies?

Halfling: Yes I thieve the puppies

*high roll*

DM: You manage to sneak around the parents and take one of the puppies.

Halfling: I ride my new steed back to the group.

DM: Fine. The parents are becoming even angrier now

Me, Tiefling Warlock: Charisma check to ask the first wolf who’s a good boy.

DM: You do realize these are WOLVES right?????

Me: I ask who’s a good boy

*rolls a nat 20*

DM: The wolf wanders off, pondering whether it is he that is the good boy.

How to NOT go shopping for pants

yourplayersaidwhat:

Context: A bandit ambush, followed by running away from a dragon interrupted our Chaotic Neutral Dwarf Paladin in the middle of his poo-break, so he got his pants filthy. After those, we entered a city and he went to the marketplace to buy new pants.

Merchant one: I have what you want, I can sell it to you for *unreasonable price*.

Dwarf Paladin: *goes to another merchant*

Merchant two: Yeah I have what you want, I can sell it to you for *1 gold less than the last guy*.

-Repeat a few more times-

Merchant X: Sure, I’ll get you that for *1 less gold than the last guy*.

Dwarf Paladin: THAT’S IT!

Dwarf Paladin(OOC): I take out my greatsword and cut the table of his stand in half!

*he succeeds*

Merchant X: *starts screaming in anger*

Two guards arrive.

Guard one: Alright Dwarf, stand down, and you can get out of this with just a fine.

Dwarf Paladin(OOC): I want to wave my greatsword at the guards in an angry manner.

DM: Are you sure?

Dwarf Paladin(OOC): Very much so!

Dwarf Paladin(OOC): *rolls a 2*

DM: You cut off one of the guards’ arms slightly above the elbow.

Guard two: *falls to the ground screaming in pain and clutching the now bleeding stump*

Guard one: You son of a whore!

DM: The guard tries to suppress you.

DM: *rolls a nat 20*

DM: The guard roundhouse kicks you in the head and knocks you out cold. You are dragged into the prison.

Dwarf Paladin(OOC): ……..Do they at least give me some clean pants?

DM: No.

Dwarf Paladin(OOC): *briefly thinks it over* Yeah, okay. I kind of deserved that one.

n0chillvibes:

aspiringdoctors:

A classic.

DYING

clickbait’s inspiration

wilwheaton:

esendoran:

“The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.” - George Orwell, 1984

Yeah, you can disagree with the facts, and the 3 in 4 Americans who didn’t vote for you can remind you that you’re full of shit, you fucking dickwagon.

demonshauntingcomputers:

frogdealer:

Me, goin downstairs to get some sweet midnight snacks

why is this vine so fucking captivating

How to jump 2 alignments and become a terrorist with one spell

yourplayersaidwhat:

Context: Our party has just altruistically rescued a corrupt city where money is the only thing that matters seeing as 98% of the city are either merchants or part of big corporations. So the druid uses Rusting Grasp to topple an empty tower made of metal to get people to leave. Most do. But to prove a point the party coherences the sorcerer to blocking up the sewers and letting the methane build up for a week while the city evacuates. And when the time was right…

Sorcerer to DM: I use Elemental Body I and turn into a Small Fire Elemental.

DM: You monster.

comedianthrax:

petbud:

swoletergeist:

kklhobbs:

In which I unsuccessfully try to get Audrey to tell me a joke