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yourplayersaidwhat:

Barbarian: “You guys sneak around while i distract the guards with my magic”

DM: “You don’t have any magic”

Barbarian: *putting thumb between fingers* “I GOT YOUR NOSE”

DM: *deep sigh*

DM: “Roll for bluff…”

yourplayersaidwhat:

So in one of my campaigns, our elven Enkindler came into possession of a modified scroll of Mordenkainen's Magnificent Mansion. We entered it, cleared out the undead and the demons that had infested it, and were going into the rooms we hadn’t yet investigated.

Rogue (me): I want to make sure there’s nothing else in this room that’s evil and/or dangerous. (rolls an 18)

DM: You’re pretty sure that bag in the corner just moved.

Between me and the Enkindler (and several extremely low rolls on behalf of the bag), we managed to corner the moving bag and learned it was some kind of mimic, which led to…

Rogue (me): Can I try to…soothe the bag?

Enkindler: I want it for a pet. (ooc) DM, if you don’t give me a tame Bag of Devouring I will be so, so upset. (rolls a nat 20) I will call him Jerry.

sleepy-sheepasaurus:

fluffy-luffy:

sounds-neet:

highmachinegun:

waltersandmurdock:

bemusedlybespectacled:

Shrek makes infinitely more sense if you ascribe to the theory that everyone is a PC in an RPG, and Donkey’s player managed to avoid a boss battle by rolling a nat 20 to seduce the fucking dragon

“I want to be a half-ogre.”

“What? You can’t. They’ve seen your picture, and you’re a human.”

“The ogre half is at night.”

“Ok, now it’s time for the boss fight against Farquaad.”

“I have my dragon girlfriend eat Farquaad.”

“…you what?”

“I have my dragon girlfriend-”

“No, no, I heard you the first time. Look, I’m gonna roll a d20 and if it’s a 20 then the dragon will eat Farquaad.”
-dice sounds-

*pinches the bridge of his nose* “Ok, so the boss is fucking dead now.”

By Shrek 2, everything has just gone to shit.

“Okay, so I go in as sexy human Shrek, riding on the shoulder of the giant gingerbread man, and pull down the drawbridge of the castle so I can slip in and crash the fairy god mother’s performance of I Need A Hero. Do I need to roll Endurance to survive boiling milk?”

*DM covers their face with both hands, sobbing* “What the fuck have you assholes done to my campaign!?”

@sleepy-sheepasaurus

Donkey is the bard who seemingly forgot that their spells require a free hand to cast.

Puss In Boots is the rogue who put all of his points into charisma, probably bribed the DM into letting him be bipedal. Donkey’s player won’t let it go.

ghoulsjw:

itscolossal:

More: Wildly Absurd Experimental Body Animations by Esteban Diacono [8 videos]

showin up to tha function unannounced 

taktisk:

sturmgewehrr:

taktisk:

life is like a giant mushroom 

Explain